Hello I’m from the Australien Government
Do you have something to hide?
Nah, just kidding
We’re not some fascist regime!
Ha-ha-ha
Seriously though, do you?
Unfortunately encryption makes it
hard for us to spy on you these days
so just to make sure, we’re introducing
yet another law to expand the surveillance state
Introducing the Assistance & Access Bill –
or Ass Access for short
Relax, despite how it sounds we’re not
trying to access your data through your backdoor
We’re just after the keys to your front door
Yup, Ass Access will force tech
companies to do our dirty work for us
for example, by making them insert
a little “secret sauce” in their apps
which lets us access your device,
once you download the latest “update”
And if they refuse, we’ll fine the shit out of them
Ass Access. It doesn’t break encryption,
only your trust in your favourite apps
To bring you Ass Access, we’ve taken the UK’s fascist spying law and made it even more fascist
by removing any need for judicial oversight
But don’t worry, we promise to only spy
on you if “reasonable and proportionate”
And you know you can trust us, we’re the
same c**ts who doxxed a welfare recipient
for criticising us… who are prosecuting
a whistleblower for exposing our misconduct
who throw kids in concentration camps
for seeking asylum
and prosecute the journalists who report on them
and who gave half a billion of your
tax dollars to a foundation full of our friends…
So of course you can count on us to
be “reasonableand proportionate”.
And if we’re not, well… you’ll never hear about it
coz we’ve also introduced
a 10 year jail sentence for any Snowden-wannabies
who disclose our abuse of Ass Access
ASS ACCESS!
Brought to you by Australia – where the laws
of dickheads can’t trump the laws of maths
but they can trample human rights
Which is why to test this shitfuckery, we chose Australia
the weakest of the Five Eyes alliance
thanks to our lack of a Federal Bill of Rights
So international data requests will be
funnelled through us
compromising not just Aussies,
but all of you fuckers too
You’re welcome
We’d love to know what you think of Ass
Access. So we’ve set up a public submission system
where, for a limited time, you can
protest our next step towards a fucked up dystopia
Australian Government.
Relax, we’re not after your dickpicks
just the last shreds of your civil liberties
Authorised by the Department of Home Au Pairs