– HEY, HEY, HEY, ALL RIGHT.
– HEY.
– HI, SWEETIE,
THAT’S FOR YOU.
– HEY, TRACE.
HOW YOU DOING, GIRL?
– CHECK IT OUT.
– OH, MY.
– GIRL, I GOT A SUNKEN TUB.
YOU GOT TO SEE IT.
– OH, I GOT TO SEE THIS.
– ALL RIGHT.
– YOU TWO
HAVE A GOOD TIME NOW.
– HAVE FUN, HAVE FUN.
[door closes]
DUDE, I AM SORRY
WE’RE LATE, MAN.
– MAN, IT HAPPENS, MAN.
– AND SHE TALK ABOUT HOW
WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE CAR
AT 6:45,
I’M LIKE, “ALL RIGHT.”
– UH-OH.
– TELL ME MY DUMB ASS
AIN’T SITTING IN THE CAR,
WAITING UNTIL 7:15.
– NUH-UH.
– OKAY, WHEN I TRACK MY WIFE
DOWN 20 MINUTES LATER,
SHE’S STEPPING OUT
THE DAMN SHOWER TALKING ABOUT,
“CAN I HELP YOU?”
– SEE, THAT’S CRAZY
RIGHT THERE.
– I LOOKED THIS WOMAN
IN THE EYE, I SAID,
“BITCH, YOU TOLD ME 6:45.”
– YOU SAID THAT?
– PSH, YEAH I SAID–
“BITCH.”
THEN I LAID IT OUT.
– BUT YOU SAID, “BITCH,”
THOUGH?
– HMM?
– YOU SAID, “BITCH”?
– YEAH.
– YOU GOT TO SEE THE FIREPLACE
DOWNSTAIRS IN THE LIVING ROOM.
– OKAY.
– DON’T PLAY GAMES, MAN.
JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU’RE
GOING TO TELL ME.
– EXACTLY, IT’S LIKE,
SAY WHAT YOU MEAN,
MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.
– IS THAT SO HARD?
– IT’S LIKE LAST WEEK, MAN.
WE GOING OUT TO DINNER,
RIGHT?
I’M LIKE,
“WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?”
SHE’S LIKE, “YOU DECIDE.”
– UH-OH.
– I’M LIKE, “ALL RIGHT,
OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE.”
SHE LIKE, “NAH.”
– MM-HMM.
– I’M LIKE,
“STRAIGHT UP, CHILI’S.”
SHE’S LIKE, “EHH.”
– NO, NO.
– DARRELL, I NAMED
SEVEN MORE RESTAURANTS.
– NO, CRAIG, NO.
– I FINALLY SAID,
“TAYLOR’S,” THE PLACE I KNOW
SHE WANTS TO GO
IN THE FIRST PLACE.
– RIGHT, RIGHT.
– SHE LOOK AT ME, SHE SAID,
“IF THAT’S WHERE
YOU WANT TO GO.”
– NO, SHE DIDN’T, CRAIG.
– IF THAT’S WHERE
I WANT TO GO.
DARRELL, I LOOKED MY WOMAN
IN THE EYE SOCKETS.
I TOLD HER STRAIGHT OUT,
I JUST SAID IT, MAN, I SAID IT.
I SAID, I SAID, I SAID–
I SAID, “BI…”
– HEY, GUYS.
– HEY GIRL, HOW YOU DOING?
– OH, HOW YOU DOING?
– YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME?
– YOU SEEN THE BEDROOM?
– JUST LOOKING AT THE WOOD.
– THAT WASHING MACHINE IS HUGE.
– UP ON THE CEILING HERE.
– YOU GET A WHOLE BUNCH OF
CLOTHES IN THAT WASHING MACHINE.
– HEY, BABY, I’M GOING TO TAKE
HER BACK UP TO THE KITCHEN
AND SHOW HER THE DISHWASHER.
– DARRELL?
– YEAH, BABY?
– I WANT A KITCHEN ISLAND
JUST LIKE THE ONE UPSTAIRS.
– YOU GONNA GET IT TOO.
– I LOVE YOU.
– I LOVE YOU.
– I SAID, “BITCH,
IF YOU WANTED TO GO TO TAYLOR’S,
JUST TELL A BROTHER
YOU WANT TO GO TO TAYLOR’S!”
OKAY?
– YOU SAID THAT?
– OH, HELL YEAH, MAN.
I LAID IT OUT, RIGHT?
I SAYS–I SAYS–I SAYS–
I SAID, “BITCH,
I’M THE MAN OF THE HOUSE.”
– YOU SAID, “BITCH,” THOUGH?
– HMM?
– YOU CALLED
YOUR WIFE A BITCH?
– UH-HUH, YEAH.
– CRAIG.
– DARRELL.
– WHERE ARE THOSE GUYS?
– I DON’T KNOW.
LET’S GO…
– SO SHE’S LIKE,
“WHY DON’T YOU RENT A MOVIE
WE BOTH LIKE?”
– NO, SHE DIDN’T.
– AFTER I SPENT 25 MINUTES
IN THE GODDAMN BLOCKBUSTER.
CRAIG, I LOOKED THIS WOMAN
IN HER OPTIC STEMS AND I SAYS–
I SAID–
I SAYS, “BITCH.”
– YOU SAID THAT?
– AIN’T NOTHING
BUT A THING.
– BUT YOU SAID, “BITCH,”
THOUGH?
– YEP.
– SEE…
[phone rings]
– OH, SH–
HEY, HONEY, CRAIG’S JUST
GIVING ME THE NEIGHBORHOOD TOUR.
– SO THEN SHE’S LIKE,
“I DIDN’T KNOW WE’D BE DOING
SO MUCH WALKING.”
– NUH-UH.
– I’M LIKE, “I DIDN’T TELL YOU
TO WEAR THOSE SHOES.”
SHE SAID, “DON’T RAISE
YOUR VOICE AT ME.”
– WHAT?
– DARRELL, I LOOKED THIS WOMAN
DEAD IN THE WINDOWS OF HER SOUL.
– MM-HMM.
– I SAID–
I SAID…
[door opens, air hisses]
I SAID, “BITCH.”