BEFORE WE GET STARTED, I WANT TO
GIVE A SHOUTOUT TO MY GOOD FRIEND LARRY WILMORE. HE PREFORMED AT THE WHITE HOUSE
CORRESPONDENTS’ DINNER THIS WEEKEND. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>>Stephen: YEAH! I AGREE. I AGREE. HE REALLY STUNNED THAT ROOM. PEOPLE IN WASHINGTON AREN’T USED
TO SEEING TWO BLACK MEN SPEAKING AT THE SAME EVENT. (LAUGHTER)
THERE WAS ONE CONTROVERSIAL MOMENT AT THE END WHERE LARRY
SAID THE N-WORD. IT WAS SHOCKING, BUT IT DID LAY
THE GROUNDWORK FOR PRESIDENT TRUMP TO SAY IT NEXT YEAR. (LAUGHTER)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>>Stephen: IT’S OUT THERE
NOW. YOU CAN IMAGINE IT. YOU CAN IMAGINE IT.>>Jon: YEAH.>>Stephen: NOW, PERSONALLY, I
THOUGHT LARRY GAVE A GREAT SPEECH THAT DIDN’T LET THE
PRESIDENT OR THE PRESS OFF THE HOOK. I’M CONFIDENT THAT LARRY WILL
RECEIVE THE ULTIMATE RECOGNITION FOR HIS WORK: NEVER BEING
INVITED BACK. YOU CAN WATCH WITH ME NEXT YEAR,
LARRY! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
IT’S A LOVELY PARTY. ONCE, IT’S A LOVELY PARTY. I DID NOT GO DOWN FOR THE DINNER
THIS YEAR. I DON’T LIKE TO GO ANYWHERE
ACTUALLY. BECAUSE, A, NEW YORK IS
FANTASTIC AND, B, AIR TRAVEL IS A DRAG, AND NO ONE DRAGS IT MORE
THAN THE T.S.A. THE ONLY ORGANIZATION IN THE
COUNTRY WITH A “NO SHOES, YES SERVICE” POLICY. THE UNITED STATES SPENDS
$7 BILLION A YEAR ON THE AGENCY AND THAT AMOUNT RAISES A FEW
EYEBROWS. SO RECENTLY, THE T.S.A. PROPOSED
A NOVEL NEW COST-CUTTING MEASURE: A PLAN TO SCREEN
PASSENGERS FROM SMALLER AIRPORTS ONLY AFTER THEY REACHED
THEIR DESTINATION. SMART. THAT’S LIKE PUTTING ON A CONDOM
AT THE BABY SHOWER. (LAUGHTER)
OH, THIS IS SO — OH, THIS IS SO — SO — THIS — I DIDN’T
KNOW IT CAME IF SUCH BEAUTIFUL COLORS! (LAUGHTER)
HEY I’VE GOT A QUESTION. ANY TECHNOLOGY PEOPLE HERE
TONIGHT? (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
WHO HERE HAS USED BITCOIN? YOU KNOW WHAT BITCOIN IS? ( APPLAUSE )
IT’S GOOD TO KNOW MY AUDIENCE IS FULL OF ARMS DEALERS AND
MURDERERS FOR HIRE. EXCELLENT. YOU KNOW WHAT BITCOIN IS? BITCOIN IS AN ELECTRONIC ONLINE
CURRENCY THAT WAS CREATED IN 2009 BY SOMEONE UNDER THE
PSEUDONYM “SATOSHI NAKAMOTO.” OBVIOUSLY, A FAKE NAME BECAUSE,
IF YOU UNSCRAMBLE THOSE LETTERS OF “SATOSHI NAKAMOTO,” YOU GET
“TOM HANKS ASIA TOO.” (LAUGHTER)
I ASKED MR. HANKS, AND HE DENIED IT. WELL, TODAY IN AUSTRALIA, OR
YESTERDAY FOR PEOPLE, AN AUSTRALIAN ENTREPRENEUR NAMED
CRAIG WRIGHT OUTED HIMSELF AS THE CREATOR OF THIS SHADOW
CURRENCY. SOME FOLKS ARE SKEPTICAL THAT AN
AUSSIE CREATED THIS NEW TECHNOLOGY. ME TOO. THE LAST THING AUSTRALIA
INVENTED WAS THAT DUMB STICK THAT COMES BACK AT YOU. JUST GET OUT OF HERE! GO — AWAY! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(APPLAUSE) AND, OF COURSE, THE BLOOMIN’
ONION. (LAUGHTER)
BUT TO ME, THE MOST PERSONAL STORY FROM OVER THE WEEKEND WAS
THAT RINGLING BROTHERS CIRCUS HELD ITS FINAL PERFORMANCE WITH
ELEPHANTS. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
YEAH. I AGREE. THE IDEA OF USING ELEPHANTS AS
PERFORMERS HAD BECOME CONTROVERSIAL IN RECENT YEARS. THESE ARE INTELLIGENT,
ENDANGERED ANIMALS, AND MANY ACTIVISTS BELIEVE THEY SHOULD BE
HOLDING EACH OTHER’S TAILS AND WEARING TIARAS IN THE WILD. (LAUGHTER)
NOW, AS GOD INTENDED, THESE ELEVEN PACADERMS ARE
GETTING LET GO, BUT THEY’RE NOT GOING BACK TO THE JUNGLE. THEY’RE GOING SOMEWHERE FAR
MORE DANGEROUS: FLORIDA. (LAUGHTER)
MAYBE THOSE ELEPHANTS CAN GET A JOB AT SEA WORLD. THEY’RE STILL WILLING TO DO
WEIRD STUFF TO GIANT MAMMALS! THE ELEPHANTS ALREADY HAVE THE
SNORK ALSO, AND I WOULD LOVE TO SEE AN ELEPHANT FIGHT SHAMU —
OR A CAPTIVE BREEDING PROGRAM. THAT’S FUN TO THINK OF THE KIDS
WATCHING THAT. (LAUGHTER)
MOMMY, WHAT’S HAPPENING WITH SHAMU… (LAUGHTER)
BUT, I SAY, ELEPHANTS AREN’T THE ONLY THINGS THAT NEED TO BE
RESCUED FROM THE CIRCUS. WHAT ABOUT THE PERFORMERS? LOOK AT THE ABUSE. THEY’RE LIT ON FIRE, SHOVED INTO
GLASS BALLS AND DANGLED FROM THE CEILING, TOSSED INTO CAGES WITH
TIGERS. AND LOOK AT THESE CRAMPED WORK
CONDITIONS. (LAUGHTER)
FOR PETE’S SAKE! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
FACTORY HOGS HAVE MORE ROOM! BUT THEY ARE DELICIOUS.